PCCC responds to CPC (common parent concerns)
Throughout my career, I've heard parents share common worries when their child shows signs of anxiety. Many feel powerless. They've tried everything they know, but the anxiety doesn’t improve. This can hurt parent confidence and feel confusing to know what to do to help. In the next few blog posts, I will explore some of these common concerns and offer a few alternate ideas to think about. The examples used are fictional and any similarities are coincidental.
Dear PCCC:
My 10 year-old daughter Maddie has been in therapy for anxiety for three months. She likes her therapist and feels better after sessions. Sometimes she shares the coping tools she learns (mostly from CBT) and will talk about when she is doing the strategy. From what I’ve seen, it’s helped with challenging anxious thoughts, especially about school work. They have worked on managing big feelings as well and we made a calm box to help soothe when upset. But Maddie still gets very upset over small things. When she has a meltdown, she refuses to use her tools and says they don’t work. I try to help her in the moment, by reminding her the tools and trying to reassure her things are ok, but she doesn’t listen and keeps melting down. She gets so upset! I am starting to feel like I’m going to meltdown then too!! What can we do differently during those times?
Pursuing Peace,
Mama meltdown
Dear Mama Meltdown,
You’re doing a lot, and your experience is a common one! It can be confusing when your strategies don’t seem to change or reduce the intense behaviors. The tools you mentioned usually are most effective when a child or teen feels uncomfortable but not overwhelmed. Once they hit meltdown level, they’re likely too overwhelmed for reasoning.
If reminders aren’t helping, try changing your approach slightly. Instead of telling Maddie what she should do, say a regulation strategy you plan to do instead…and then do it. This can invite her to join if it feels right. For example: “I’m going to sit and color,” or “I’m going outside for a moment,” or “I’m going to take a few deep breaths.” By changing the frame from what she should do to what you are going to do, it can help be a path towards peace or lower resistance. If there are activities you know are in the coping or calming box you could potentially use one of those as your activity as well.
Keep it simple. Parent often try to talk more to fix things, but that can sometimes make things worse. Try short responses like “I hear you” or “We’ll talk in 15 minutes” and then pause. A long pause if possible. The goal is to show you understand her feelings without trying to reason with her when she’s overwhelmed. This seems simple but its challenging to do in the moment! The trap most of us fall into is talking too much at those times. It tends to dysregulate the child even more which of course… is exactly the opposite of what we are trying to do.
Be kind to yourself and know in these intense moments it can be hard to find the path forward. I hope these few tweaks to what you are doing already help pave the way to a bit more peace.
In support,
PCCC